el: daca erai just for fun te bateam la cap sa dormi la mine mai des si nu te tineam de mana

<3

Niciodata nu am fost eu genul care sa se trezeasca usor sau devreme, dar de cateva saptamani exagerez. rau.

Eu incep orele intre 7 jumate si 9 jumate si termin la cel tarziu 1 jumate. Aproape in fiecare zi din ultimile 3 saptamani nu m-am putut trezit inainte de 10-12. Rezultat? absente. Combinat cu reputatia mea de chiulangoaica si cu o diriga care nu motiveaza fara scutiri, si cu faptul ca nu-mi place sa merg la doctor sa cer scutiri? Poate ma exmatriculeaza. Nu m-ar mira.

Cand aveam 14(13?) ani am calcat prima oara intr-un anumit bar.  Am mers acolo periodic, lunar, saptamanl, zilnic…pana s-a inchis.

Dupa 4 luni s-a redeschis intr-o varianta mai mica, si mai indepartata. N-am calcat acolo juma de an, apoi am inceput sa fiu din nou de-a casei.

Stiti voi, cand ajungi asa de obisnuita acolo incat te lasa sa dormi, cand ai chestii de valoare le lasi la bar, cand barmanu iti da ceai moca sau ti se mai face cinste. Cand mergi ii stii pe toti. Unde te simti mai ceva ca acasa.

Se inchide miercuri.

Ma simt ca o pizda.

Da, o pizda. Cel mai josnic mod de a fi.

Sunt geloasa, asa de geloasa ca nu mai pot sa-mi spun singura ca e fara motiv.  Sunt paranoica, oare?

Chiar asa de mult cer, ceva atentie? Sa tina cineva la mine? Sa arate macar ca ar tine?
Sunt o pizda, da. Si nu mai pot sa o ascund.

Si-mi pare rau.

Deobicei stau singura.

Deseori ma mai intalnesc cu lume intamplator, sau iesim la o bere. Rar organizat. Nu stiu, asa m-am obisnuit. Daca sun 20 de persoane(cat am in mobil) 5 imi raspund, poate, poate 1 chiar are timp. in general nu. Am renuntat la idee.

De cateva zile am chef de iesit in oras, parc, cu lumea, oricunde. Am chef sa vina cineva la mine sa se uite la un film. Problema? Nu prea imi iese.

Pft.

Vreau sa fiu un copil normal.

Vreau ca cea mai mare problema a mea sa fie ca mama nu ma lasa afara dupa 7.

Vreau ca singurele dileme existentiale sa fie daca ii cer bani de postinor lui iubi sau lui pisik.

Vreau ca singura mea problema cu banii sa fie ca daca-mi iau blugii din mall nu mai pot lua si bluza aia chiut de la kenvelo.

Vreau ca prietenii mei sa fie la fel ca mine. Vreau sa am prieteni.

Vreau ca cea mai mare grija a mea sa fie ca mama m-a mirosit mirosind a tutun sau ca mi-a gasit pachetul de prezervative.

Vreau ca tata sa ma certe ca am iubit. Vreau sa am tata.

Vreau sa am pe cine sa sun cand m-am certat cu uby.

Vreau sa pot sa-i spun cuiva ca-l iubesc dupa 2 saptamani de relatie si sa-mi spuna ca si el ca apoi sa facem sex salbatic si sa ne despartim dupa inca una.

Vreau ca prin “deprimat dupa cineva ” sa nu inteleg “am fost asa de deprimat ca i-am zis unei tipe cu care ma sarutam “elena”. Ah da, am fost cu vreo 5 da nu era nimic important, ma tratam”

Vreau sa se dea lumea la mine.

De atatea ori ma critica atatea persoane ca ma comport cum ma comport ca sunt adolescenta si ca o sa ma maturizez si imi trece. Vreau sa fiu o adolescenta normala ca sa primesc discursul asta.

Nu stiu, prea ma tenteaza:).

01) Bought everyone in the pub a drink  (daca sunt singura, sau doar cu o persoana in bar se pune, da?:P)
02) Swam with wild dolphins
03) Climbed a mountain (nu e de mine)
04) Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05) Been inside the Great Pyramid
06) Held a tarantula.
07) Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08) Said ‘I love you’ and meant it
09) Hugged a tree
10) Done a striptease
11) Bungee jumped
12) Visited Paris
13) Watched a lightning storm at sea
14) Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise
15) Seen the Northern Lights
16) Gone to a huge sports game
17) Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa

18) Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19) Touched an iceberg
20) Slept under the stars
21) Changed a baby’s diaper (desi nu mi-a iesit)
22) Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23) Watched a meteor shower
24) Gotten drunk on champagne
25) Given more than you can afford to charity
26) Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27) Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment

28) Had a food fight
29) Bet on a winning horse
30) Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
31)  Asked out a stranger (desi numai romantic n-a fost)
32) Had a snowball fight
33) Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34) Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35) Held a lamb
36) Enacted a favorite fantasy
37) Taken a midnight skinny dip
38) Taken an ice cold bath
39) Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40) Seen a total eclipse
41) Ridden a roller coaster (desi am stat cu ochii inchisi)
42) Hit a home run
43) Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44) Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45) Adopted an accent for an entire day
46) Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47) Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48) Had two hard drives for your computer
49) Visited all 50 states of USA

50) Loved your job for all accounts
51) Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52) Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53) Had amazing friends
54) Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55) Watched wild whales
56) Stolen a sign
57) Backpacked in Europe (dar intentionez!)
58) Taken a road-trip

59) Rock climbing
60) Lied to foreign government’s official in that country to avoid notice
61) Midnight walk on the beach
62) Sky diving
63) Visited Ireland
64) Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65) In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them (in baruri se pune?)
66) Visited Japan
67) Benchpressed your own weight
68) Milked a cow
69) Alphabetized your records
70) Pretended to be a superhero
71) Sung karaoke
72) Lounged around in bed all day
73) Posed nude in front of strangers
74) Scuba diving
75) Got it on to “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye
76) Kissed in the rain
77) Played in the mud
78) Played in the rain
79) Gone to a drive-in theater
80) Done something you should regret, but don’t regret it
81) Visited the Great Wall of China
82) Discovered that someone who’s not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog.
83) Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84) Started a business
85) Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86) Toured ancient sites
87) Taken a martial arts class (desi eram mica)
88) Sword fought for the honor of a woman
89) Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90) Gotten engaged
91) Been in a movie (videoclipe de trupe se pune?)
92) Crashed a party
93) Loved someone you shouldn’t have
94) Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95) Gotten married
96) Had sex at the office
97) Gone without food for 5 days
98) Made cookies from scratch (doar o data, apoi am decis ca nu trebuie sa mai gatesc vreodata)

99) Won first prize in a costume contest
100) Ridden a gondola in Venice

101) Gotten a tattoo
102) Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103) Gotten divorced
104) Been on television news programs as an “expert”
105) Got flowers for no reason
106) Masturbated in a public place
107) Got so drunk you don’t remember anything
108) Taken illegal drugs
109) Performed on stage
110) Been to Las Vegas
111) Recorded music
112) Eaten shark
113) Had a one-night stand
114) Gone to Thailand
115) Seen Siouxsie live
116) Bought a house
117) Been in a combat zone
118) Buried one/both of your parents (nu m-am dus la inmormantare da na)
119) Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120) Been on a cruise ship
121) Spoken more than one language fluently
122) Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123) Bounced a check
124) Performed in Rocky Horror
125) Read - and understood - your credit report
126) Raised children.
127) Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy.
128) Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129) Created and named your own constellation of stars
130) Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131) Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132) Called or written your Congress person
133) Picked up and moved to another city to just start over (din nou, intentionez)
134) …more than once? - More than twice?
135) Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136) Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
137) Had an abortion or your female partner did
138) Had plastic surgery
139) Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived.
140) Wrote articles for a large publication
141) Lost over 100 pounds
142) Held someone while they were having a flashback
143) Piloted an airplane
144) Petted a stingray
145) Broken someone’s heart

146) Helped an animal give birth
147) Been fired or laid off from a job
148) Won money on a T.V. game show (de fapt o tricicleta si dulciuri)

149) Broken a bone
150) Killed a human being
151) Gone on an African photo safari
152) Ridden a motorcycle
153) Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph
154) Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155) Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
156) Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157) Ridden a horse
158) Had major surgery
159) Had sex on a moving train
160) Had a snake as a pet
161) Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162) Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
163) Slept for more than 30 hours
164) Visited lots of foreign countries
165) Visited all 7 continents
166) Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167) Eaten kangaroo meat
168) Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169) Been a sperm or egg donor
170) Eaten sushi
171) Had your picture in the newspaper (s-ar putea, in poze de grup)
172) Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173) Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
174) Gotten someone fired for their actions
175) Gone back to school
176) Parasailed
177) Changed your name
178) Petted a cockroach
179) Eaten fried green tomatoes.
180) Read The Iliad

181) Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
182) Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them

183) …and gotten 86′ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184) Taught yourself an art from scratch
185) Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186) Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187) Skipped all your school reunions
188) Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189) Been elected to public office
190) Written your own computer language
191) Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
192) Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193) Built your own PC from parts

194) Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
195) Had a booth at a street fair
196) Dyed your hair
197) Been a DJ (neoficial, ce-i drept)
198) Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199) Written your own role playing game
200) Been arrested. (dusa la sectie se pune?)

70/200. Pretty good for a teengaer, huh?

Entuziasmul meu de amu cateva luni a murit. N-am mai trecut la faculta, nu prea am mai trecut pe la scoala, la munca nu mai excelez, lumea nu ma mai place si parca nici la Public Speaking nu ma mai descurc.

Uneori imi urasc entuziasmul de inceput, fiindca aproape instant dispare si raman cu proiecte neterminate si idei neincepute.

Ziceam ca in vara asta ma rad in cap si plec. Nu o sa mai fac asta. Nu-s pregatita. Poate ar trebui sa petrec vara mai cuminte, acasa sau in locuri cu cazare. Poate ar trebui sa renunt la ideea asta de escapada si sa incerc o normalizare. Suna bine, nu?

Asta e premiza, da?

Nu mai stiu ce sa fac.

Acum ceva timp m-am trezit intr-o zi si mi-am dat seama ca sunt proasta. Nu stiu cum de am putut ignora acest fapt simplu atata timp, chiar nu stiu. Parca ma consideram mai buna. Si totusi, nu stiu nimic. Nu stiu politica, nu stiu economie, nu stiu jurnalism, nu stiu chestii tehnice, nu stiu absolut nimic la scoala, nu stiu limbi straine(la un nivel la care sa le pot numi “stiut”), nu stiu genuri de muzica, nu stiu autori, nu stiu nici maca 50% din cartile despre care citesc in bloguri de carti, si daca am citit 10% de pe prima pagina e bine. Nu mai stiu ce vreau sa fac cu viata mea si nu stiu cum de am putut pierde atata timp.

Vreau sa stiu istorie ca sa pot face comparatii. Vreau sa stiu(macar ideal vorbind) politica, macar cat sa stiu daca eu sunt anarhista, socialista, libertariana, liberalista sau democrata. Vreau sa stiu PIB-ul. Vreau sa stiu gramatica comparata. Vreau sa stiu unde gasesc ceea ce caut. Vreau sa stiu ce obiectiv imi trebuie la fiecare concert. Vreau sa lucrez mai mult ca sa-mi permit placerile. Vreau sa citesc mai mult. Vreau sa merg la toate orele si chiar sa raman cu ceva(desi aparent ambele lucruri sunt imposibile). Vreau sa stiu ce dracu am de nu mai pot sa merg de durere. Vreau sa exersez desenatul. Vreau sa invat C++ si javascript. Vreau sa stiu despre ce vorbesc. Vreau sa am timp de asta. Vreau sa am rabdare de asta. Vreau..vreau multe.

Ce am reusit? Stagnez. Cu cat citesc mai mult cu atat ma simt mai inculta. Cu cat ma informez mai mult cu atat ma simt mai dezinformata. Cu cat incerc sa invat ceva mai mult cu atat imi dau seama cat de putine stiam si cat de mult mai am de invatat. Am ajuns la un moment in care totul, dar absolut totul, mi se pare imposibil.

Nu mai stiu ce vreau, si cred ca asta-i partea cea mai grava. Vreau totul, asta-i clar, dar m-as multumi si cu o bucatica. Una doar.

Trebuie doar s-o gasesc.